Humor / Love / Writers / Writing

Make Your Case! By Ryan Sartor

      “Hello America, it’s time to Make Your Case!” D.L. Hughley says to a cheering studio audience. “Today, Ryan Sartor is going to try to convince his ex-girlfriend, Sasha, that she should get back together with him. Ryan, come on out!”
      Ryan Sartor, a heavily-bearded twenty-seven-year-old, walks into the studio. He is wearing a Daughtry t-shirt and black sweatpants, both covered with white dog hair. Ryan waves to the crowd.
      “All right, Ryan, it’s time to—,” D.L. waits for the audience to join in: “Make Your Case!”
      “Is Sasha out here?” Ryan asks.
      “Yes,” Sasha’s voice responds from a darkened corner of the studio.
      “That’s right, Ryan,” D.L. says. “Sasha is here, but if you want your ex-girlfriend of ten years to give you another shot, you’re going to have to,” D.L. waits for the audience. “Make Your Case!”
      “Right,” Ryan says. “Well, Sasha, since we last spoke, a lot has gone on in my life. I’ve gained some weight, but I was always a little ragged so it’s for the best, but uh, I now have a B.F.A. in Film—”
      “Where did you go?” Sasha’s voice asks.
      “I went to C.W. Post of Long Island University. The reason I went there, as opposed to a more prestigious school, is because of Post’s dedication to film—”
      “NYU uses film,” D.L. Hughley interrupts. “Why didn’t you go to NYU?”
      “Well, it’s interesting that you mention that, D.L. I was considering NYU, but I’m not into big cities and—”
      A loud buzzer goes off. “Oh, I’m sorry, Ryan,” D.L. says. “We’re going to have to—” the audience joins in, “Call You Out! We’ve got a special guest: Ryan’s Mom!”
      There are cheers as Ryan’s Mom stands up in the audience, holding a microphone. “Honey, I brought you a comb.”
      Ryan’s Mom gives a production assistant the comb and the P.A. brings it to Ryan, who throws it on the ground.
      “I’m sorry to do this, honey,” Ryan’s Mom continues. “but I’m gonna have to call you out.” She laughs. “That’s fun to say.”
      “Come on,” Ryan says.
      “Sorry,” Ryan’s Mom says. “but you got rejected from NYU. If you had studied more, like I told you to, you would have gotten accepted. I love you.”
      The spotlight moves from Ryan’s Mom to D.L. Hughley, who is laughing. “I’m sorry, Ryan, keep going.”
      “Okay,” Ryan takes a sip of water. “I interned at a lot of cool places in college: MTV, NBC—The Colbert Report—”
      Sasha interrupts, “Did you meet Stephen Colbert?”
      “Yeah, actually, a few times—”
      A loud buzz rings through the set. “Ryan, we’re got another special guest,” D.L. says.
      A spotlight moves to Stephen Colbert, standing in the audience. He waits for the audience’s applause to die down. “Ryan, I have no memory of you.”
      “But I got you coffee,” Ryan says.
      “Well,” Stephen Colbert laughs. “it doesn’t count as a meeting if one party doesn’t remember it.”
      “Does this count?” Ryan asks.
      “Yes,” Stephen Colbert says. “Nice to meet you.”
      D.L. points to Ryan, “Two minutes left on the clock, Ry-Guy.”
      “There’s a clock?” Ryan asks.
      “One forty-eight, one forty-seven…”
      “Uh, Sasha, I want to be a Doctor of English. I’m halfway done with my Masters and I really love you so much!”
      D.L. is counting in the background, “Fifty-two, fifty-one…”
      “Is it an online course?” Sasha asks.
      “No!” Ryan says.
      Ryan’s Mom stands up in the audience. “It kind of is. It’s low-residency.”
      “And that’s time!” D.L. says. “Sasha, you’ve heard Ryan’s case. What do you think?”
      The light shines on Sasha. “No.”
      D.L. puts his hand on Ryan’s shoulder. “Care to give a reason, Sasha? You don’t have to if you’re worried about hurting Ryan’s feelings or—”
      “No, no, that’s fine,” Sasha says. “I don’t love him and he’s gotten chubbier.”
      “All right, thank you, Sasha!” D.L. Hughley says. “We’ll see you all next week on—” he waits for it, “Make Your Case!”


4 thoughts on “Make Your Case! By Ryan Sartor

  1. Ryan Sartor’s writing has appeared in The Metric, The Rumpus, Identity Theory and indieWIRE, among other publications.

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